The Worst of the Worst: The Judgmental Mom
I should probably preface this post by saying that I never enjoyed having female friends. Even as a kid, I always seemed to naturally migrate towards the boys, and grew up as “one of the guys,” which I loved.
Yes, I dated some of them. But, mostly, I just had more fun with them. There was no gossip, no drama, and just a genuine good time. Girls, on the other hand, were always so competitive with me, which made it very difficult to maintain lasting friendships. I couldn’t (and still can’t) stand how phony girls were. One day they were your best friend and the next day, you could be their worst enemy.
When I went away for college, I literally dropped all of my “friends” from high school, and just wanted to start fresh. I joined a sorority, during Freshman year, and thought maybe college-aged girls would be different. Of course, I was horribly wrong. I am a terrible judge of character, and fell for the same shit that I always did.
When I married my husband, at 24, we were in that awkward phase (not puberty, the other awkward phase). We were too old to continue partying with those in their early twenties, but were too young to hang out with the early thirty-year-olds, that were married with children. It wasn’t easy to make friends, because of this, and we didn’t have much of a social life.
When we became pregnant in early 2018, I thought maybe this would be the time for me to make some mommy friends. I would finally be able to fit in with those women that had young children, and could certainly relate to their experiences (or at least try to). What I discovered however, about these mothers, were that they were some of the most judgmental people I had encountered. I hate to admit it, but some of them seemed worse than my high school friends.
They would judge the decisions of others, if they differed from their own. They would throw their opinions out there, completely unsolicited. Oh, you weren’t having a midwife or a doula? You were crazy. Oh, you wanted to give birth in the hospital instead of at home? You’re losing all control over your birth experience. Oh, you actually want an epidural? You’re a coward. Oh, you aren’t having a natural birth? You aren’t a real woman.
I was shocked. Women should build each other up, not knock each other down, or so I thought. We should be respectful of each other and not judge their opinions or decisions. That is what makes the world go around. Imagine how boring life would be if we all felt the same way and did the exact same things.
As I wrote in my birth experience post, I would not trade my experience for the world. It was my experience, and mine alone. I chose elective induction, opted for an epidural (since I’m a huge baby when it comes to pain) and had a vaginal delivery. It was an absolutely wonderful experience, and it allowed me to bring a healthy baby boy into this world. I am sure that people have their opinions and feelings on my choices, but they are my choices, not theirs.
Being nine weeks postpartum, I am no closer to finding true mom friends, than I was before becoming pregnant. I don’t say this to spark pity. I say this because after seeing how judgmental other moms are, I’m not really sure if I even want mom friends. Maybe that sounds depressing, I don’t know, but I would rather have no friends than “judge-y” friends. Does it get lonely to not have a sounding board? Sure. Does it suck to not have a girl squad to commiserate with and share my deepest moments with? Okay. Have I changed my mind about having girlfriends? Not really, but I sincerely hope that as we move forward into the future, women can stop beating our fellow women down. We are all in this together.
Do you have a lady squad? How do you deal with judgmental women or mothers? Do you politely tell them to mind their own business or do you keep quiet? Do you find it easy to find and maintain these relationships?